Walls, Gates or Markers?
Let's talk boundaries.
Sandra: Hey babe, I have a crazy deadline for tomorrow and I need some help
Me: How can I help?
Sandra: There’s this document I’m working on, can you help with some sections?
Me: Okay, let’s see. Send it over.
Sandra: Oh and also, I arranged some things with the girls for tomorrow evening, please try to make it, we’ve not gathered together like that in over a year. Tolu, Tega and Grace will be there
Me: Oh wow, Grace is around? Hmm... I’m pretty booked for tomorrow’s evening sha
Sandra: Oh, yeah. Sorry for informing you late, it’s sorta impromptu but Grace will be travelling back tomorrow. This kinda chance won’t come up again in a long time. Pleaseeeeee???? (uses baby voice)
Me: Arrrggghhhhh... okay.... I’ll see what I can do.
Sandra: Yaaay!! Ahhh, one more thingggg (pleading voice)
Me: What is it again?
Sandra: I’m a bit low on cash, can you borrow me some money for tomorrow night? Say #10,000.
Me: Arrgghhh, no o. I don’t have much money.
Sandra: Pleaseeee.... I’ll pay it back before you know it. You know I need to pay for this and that and all of that (😂)
Me: Arrrggghhh... I didn’t plan for this o. But I’ll see what I can do about it.
This is a pretty regular occurrence in my life. You know, I like reading books and then immediately try to start applying things I learnt in my life. I say things like “I will sleep early every night so I wake up early the next morning” after reading a particular book about maximizing the mornings. Now, things like the scenario I painted happen frequently in my life and disrupt those plans especially because they weren’t factored into the plan. This, I have come to realize, happens because I don't have proper boundaries guiding my actions. I tend to make excuses like “oh, he’s an old friend, what is 2 hours of chit chat and catch up - it doesn’t happen often” or “she did this for me last year, she’s a good person, I can’t refuse her demands.” and go ahead to do things that sometimes actually hurt me, unwillingly. You know, sometimes I actually do say the boundary word “no” but I usually I’m not able to bring myself to say it twice in a row. So, if I say “no” to a demand now, the likelihood that I’ll give in to the next demand regardless of the situation with me is very high. That’s because I don’t want to be seen as a snub or someone that can’t help people/a selfish person or anything like that. You might think the problem is people-pleasing, but beneath that is the lack of proper boundaries. I let people creep and walk over my boundaries with unconstrained entry in and out of my space (mental, emotional, physical) at their will. This is as a result of undefined boundaries or a lack of communicating them properly. We can say my boundaries are like markers, easy to be erased or crossed over or stepped over.
This is the life of a Compliant.
This is a problem I’ve noted and I’m on a journey to finding myself, determining my boundaries and communicating them as clearly as possible. And I hope to carry you along as I go on this journey.
So, to start with, mine isn’t the only type of boundary problem. Some people just can’t let people in at all or go out of their way for people because of their strict boundaries. “That’s life, we all have issues we deal with from time to time” or “You can handle it, so just handle it” are statements they make regularly. These people have built impenetrable brick walls out of their boundaries. People and things and locked out and themselves locked in perpetually. This is also very not healthy. These people are called Avoidants.
You are probably then asking, so what should boundaries be? Well, that’s the entire purpose of this post. To see how things should be, and work towards that so that we can all have a better and well rounded life.
Let me introduce the concept of boundaries as gates. Gates can be opened and closed to let the good in and keep the bad out from time to time. They are definitive and can’t be easily erased or walked over. Boundaries like this can be easily used for different scenarios and to determine when to make compromises and when to realize it isn’t in our place to take on some things. It will also shield us from the effects of the lack of boundaries of some other people around us. Once you determine the type of boundary problem you have, then you’ll be able to determine in what way to begin to let the good in and keep the bad out. This is the type of boundary that the Bible recommends.
You’re asking, “so how do I get started on this journey?” Well, you can start by first determining your values and internalizing them as much as possible. Once that’s done, you should come up with a set of boundaries that support those values. Then make sure you communicate them as clearly and as much as possible. Compliants should learn to say no as much as possible and communicate their boundaries effectively, while avoidants should learn to open up more to people. Remember, we have a responsibility to the people around us, but we are not responsible for them. What this distinction means, in essence, is that we are all to be responsible for our lives and if someone wants to hand over that responsibility to us, ours is to help them to get back on track to pick up the slack and become more responsible for themselves.
I hope this helps and liberates someone. Thank you for letting me share with you.
Bye for now,
Jesutofunmi.